A Nasty Case of Stupidity
by 800M23
Summary: Fox finally achieves his wildest dream, but it has some drawbacks that we could all learn from.


**A Nasty Case of Stupidity**

"Gah..Wow…that was the best ever. You were amazing Krystal."

"Wait, 'was'? You're done? What the fuck! It's only been thirteen seconds! You couldn't have lasted any longer? It hadn't even started to get good!" Fox only smiled however, as he lay on top of his beautiful woman, panting with sweat dripping from his forehead, oblivious to her disappointment.

"You know, I just lost my virginity to you. I'm so happy! Thanks Kryssie! Good night!" With that, he closed his eyes and turned away before lying down beside her.

"FOX, GODDAMNIT DON"T EVER CALL ME KRYSSIE AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON"T WAKE THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOWAND MAKE SWEET, GLORIOUS, BACK BREAKING LOVE TO ME, I'LL GO OFF TO SLIPPY'S ROOM, BECAUSE FROM THE AMOUNT OF KIDS HE HAS HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!" shrieked the enraged blue she-demon. It was no use though. Her Captain and lover had already collapsed from exhaustion on the bed next to her. He snored quite loudly as he curled himself up into a ball before wrapping his arms around his pillow and drooling everywhere.

"Forget it. I'm not so desperate that I'd actually go to Slippy. I'll just get Katt to do it again." she sighed.

_Next Morning….._

Fox strolled through the hallways of the Great Fox cheerfully with his fileplayer playing "I Just Had Sex". As he arrived in the kitchen, he noticed no one had made anything to eat yet.

"Hell, why not. I'll cook breakfast for everyone today! I got LAID last night!" he said with an idiotic grin.

As he began flipping eggs, a blue companion of his walked in behind him. He didn't see who it was, and so Falco was a little surprised when he felt Fox's hands squeeze his butt.

"You ready for more of what happened last night KrysOH MY GOD IT'S FALCO!" Fox ended his would be come-on rather abruptly as he opened his eyes.

"YES YOU FUCKWIT IT'S ME! What the hell man?" screamed Falco with watery eyes. "I feel like I got PTSD now or something! God damn that was traumatizing!"

"Well I'm sorry if I thought it might be a good idea to hit on my girlfriend okay?" Fox retorted.

"Speaking of which, I heard her scream pretty loud last night. She sounded pissed. What happened?"

"Oh, that." grinned Fox. "She wasn't screaming in anger. It was probably in pure rapture from what I **did** to her. I pulled this move I call the lightning rod see and-"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was in anger. And how do you have sex moves? You're a virgin."

"Not since last night!" shouted Fox raising his paw for a high five. This went pointedly unmet by his friend.

"Waitwaitwaitwait. Are you telling me you had sex with Krystal last night? I don't believe that for a second. I'm asking her."

"I don't think she'll want to talk about it." replied Fox nervously.

"Oh, don't worry." said Falco, dialing in her comm. unit's number. "Katt's told me all about her, and from what I hear, she ain't too shy."

"Well, if you insist on hearing about my glorious sexcapades from more than one source, then-wait what was that about Katt?"

"Hey Krystal!" exclaimed Falco over his comm., completely ignoring Fox. "Got a question for ya. Did you bang Foxie here?" The image of the vixen looked from side to side on the screen as she scratched the back of her neck.

"Uhm, well, I…"

"Krystal, you don't have to be shy, I'm not judging you."

"Oh, I'm not embarrassed." she quickly explained. "I'm just wondering if it counts if he's only in for ten seconds."

In Sargasso Space Station, Star Wolf was playing a hand of Hold 'em when Leon shook his head rather vigorously.

"What is it man?" questioned Wolf.

"I just had this feeling that, somewhere, Lombardi just jizzed himself from laughing too hard."

"It's kinda creepy that you hate him enough to sense his emotions Leon. You might wanna lay off a little.

_Back on the Great Fox…_

"Falco please stop laughing!" pleaded a humiliated red fox.

"You played this off…like a…like a raunchy fuckfest…AND YOU BARELY GOT YOUR PANTS OFF!"Falco howled in between breaths, his voice rising in pitch at the end. A full ten minutes passed before Fox ran crying back to his room and Falco figured it would be best to go help his best friend. "But, for later, comm. unit: replay and save last conversation. I'll want that in the future. Thank God for social networking. Your "sexcapades" shall not go unknown Fox ol' buddy. I just wanna share that laugh with everyone else."

Falco found himself in front of Fox's door in a short moment. He knocked three times only to hear a quiet response from the other side.

"Go away Falco!"

"Aw, c'mon man! It was funny and you know it."

"NO IT WASN'T! You went off and bsgheblava!"

"Now you really need to calm down, Foxie. I couldn't even understand that last bit."

"I don't wanna calm down if I have to talk to you!"

"Don't worry, I'm not here to make fun of you right now. This is actually kind of important. I'm taking you to a doctor." There was a brief moment where Falco heard the removal of barricades from the other side of the door, then several blast shields opening, a bowling ball rolling down a ramp, an anvil dropping, a button being pressed, a bioscan being performed, Fox speaking a quiet password, and finally three locks opening before the door swung out. In front of him was a pitiful sight. Fox's eyes were now redder than the wings of a Wolfen, and he had probably cried enough tears to fill Aquas again.

"A doctor? Why?"

"Because," reasoned Falco. "Krystal is an incredibly hot and exotic vixen in a videogame aimed at preteens and up with an overactive imagination and wacked out hormones who are just discovering their sexuality. As a result, she's in more yiff porn than there is hair on Sean Connery's chest, so she's probably got something. We're getting you checked for STD's."

"What?" Falco rolled his eyes at his friend's idiocy.

"Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Trust me, you don't want that shit. Now let's go, I've already get it scheduled with Beltino."

"Why can't we just see Slippy?" Falco stared at Fox like an absurdly confusing puzzle for a moment at this.

"You want the guy with fourteen kids to give you a lecture on condoms? Right. Beltino it is."

_Beltino's Office: Corneria_

"Well Fox, I have to ask you, did you fly your Arwing through a gold ring before you docked it?" asked Beltino. Fox, who was sitting in a chair on the opposite side of Beltino's desk only stared blankly. Falco nudged him in the side from his chair next to him.

"A condom. He's asking you if you used a condom dumbass."

"OH! uh, no. See, I was in the middle of doing the lightning rod when-"

"Fox, tell the truth to the doctor." Falco said through a facepalm.

"Alright. I was only in for a few seconds." he admitted with drooped ears.

"Well," said Beltino as he stifled his chuckles. "It looks like that was all it took. You've got an STD. This is why you should have worn a condom. Not only are they birth control, but they can prevent the spread of disease." Fox looked up with puppy eyes at Beltino.

"Am I gonna die?"

"Well, yes."

"What?" shouted Fox and Falco at the same time.

"See, eventually Fox, we all die. It's a natural part of-OH! You meant from the STD. No. It isn't terminal." Fox sighed with relief at this statement.

"Well Falco, you were right. It was a good idea to see a doctor. Boy do I feel like a numbnuts now!" He and Falco were sharing the laugh when Beltino cut in again.

"Actually one of the symptoms of your STD is numb testicles, followed by sterility." Fox gaped at the scientist as Falco winced. "That's followed by necrosis." he added.

"Well, goodbye little fellas." sobbed Fox, looking down. "And we'd just become friends."

_**Hi, I'm 800M23, and I'm here to ask you to catch some Z's, and NOTHING ELSE, when you bring someone to your room. Thank you.**_

_**-800M23**_


End file.
